Out-dated dating advice

Forget Grandma’s wisdom – the modern dating scene has evolved and some of the most classic Dating Advice is now obsolete. Match.com’s relationship expert Kate Taylor brings you up to speed 

Wait 3 days to callIn the olden days, boy met girl, boy got girl’s phone number, boy waited three days to ring girl, boy looked mysterious and exotic. But those days have gone. In modern times when all of us carry around smart phones that can call, text, email, social-network, and IM, let alone challenge anyone to a game of online Scrabble at any time, waiting three days to get in touch just makes boy look like he ran out of call credit or like he’s trying too hard to be “cool”. Really, just get in touch the next day. Within 24 hours. If you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard then don’t try too hard – just pick up the phone and say something simple like, “I really enjoyed meeting you and I’d love to go out sometime soon. Fancy it?” Don’t agonise over being funny or clever – the more run-of-the-mill you are in early communications, the more confident and experienced you’ll seem, because it’ll look like you ask people out all the time. And that, believe it or not, is sexy.

Wait 3 dates to get intimate
Fifty years ago, the Pill had only just been invented and it was still the norm for women to wait until at least engagement before they got horizontal with their boyfriend. Time has marched on and these days, some women feel they’re being uncommonly chaste if they wait just until they leave the pub. The three-date rule was therefore invented to bridge the gap – couples were advised to go to bed together on the third date, and not a moment sooner. Good advice? No. While there are indisputably huge benefits to waiting before going to bed with a partner – you both get to know each other’s true personality and character before you take that next step; you don’t risk becoming chemically attached to each other, because you’re not producing Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, that gets released during intercourse; dating without sex keeps things very light and fun – three dates simply isn’t long enough to get to know a person beyond what they like to order for dessert. If you want to wait, better to wait three months. If you don’t want to wait, then still don’t stick to an arbitrary three-date curfew, as it removes all the mystery and excitement – better to ambush them at some unexpected time.
Whether you wait or don’t, it’s how you act afterwards that will dictate how the relationship progresses. If you act the same afterwards, there’s a good chance you’ll stay together. But if you become clingy, needy or moody, things will stall or stop. If you know you become emotionally invested afterwards (and many people do, it’s normal and natural!), then wait.

Make your partner jealous
If your partner seems less attentive towards you, less interested, and is taking you for granted, you should make them jealous, right? Wrong! Just pull back and concentrate on YOUR LIFE for a while. Anything else will look desperate and needy. For example, if you take your partner to a party and spend the evening chatting-up somebody else, your partner will feel insulted and offended, not attracted. It’ll look obvious and fake. Instead, take your partner to a party and talk to everyone else – be the life and soul, flit around, have fun. Don’t concentrate on your moody mate, throw yourself into enjoying the evening. Or go to the party with your friends and don’t invite them, wait for them to invite you out somewhere and fit it in along with all the other fun, interesting activities you have planned. That is what attracts people: self-assured, well-rounded people who pursue their own interests, ambitions and goals. If you fear your partner is losing interest in you, lose interest in them for a while and fill up your time with things you love to do. Your partner will either feel the loss of your company and come around again, or they’ll fade away and you’ll be upset but you’ll still have a successful, interesting life to support you.

Girls, play down your accomplishments
It used to be said that women should never try to impress a man with their accomplishments – her “job” was to seem impressed by him. Luckily, this isn’t true today. Recent research by Forbes in the US has shown that men are now more likely than ever before to want a wife with drive and ambition. A long-running study that follows the traits which single Americans want in a spouse revealed earlier this year that “Ambition and industriousness” has risen to enter the top 10 for the first time ever. It’s still only at number 10 but we can be sure it will continue to rise as more and more males see the benefits of having a clever, successful wife who can share the financial burden of supporting a home and family. So girls, don’t be afraid to shine on your date! If you just got a promotion, tell him about it. If there’s a long-term goal you long to achieve, reveal all. Your perfect partner will be one who is keen to help you reach for your personal stars.

Men, use money to impress a girl
Fellas, if you’ve ever thought that the only way to dazzle the ladies was to flash around some cash, read on – your bank-manager will thank you, as will your partner. For years it’s been generally regarded that women are most attracted to men who can afford to shower them with expensive gifts, jewellery and dinners. But the Lovegeist report – the UK’s biggest annual survey into singletons’ attitudes towards love – has consistently found that “thoughtful gestures” mean far more to women than “extravagant gestures”. Budget-conscious babes would rather their partner regularly performed sweet, meaningful actions (like getting rid of spiders, remembering to do household jobs she hates, making thoughtful presents, even just really listening to what she says) than buying occasional expensive presents. It’s just one of the ways that Beta males can out-perform Alphas in the romantic world. Women seek partners who will be good providers, but also who are dependable, safe and reliable. Remembering her favourite flowers is perfect – it will earn you far more love than the largest bunch of something she doesn’t like. 

Dinner date translations

What does “do you want a coffee?” really mean? If it's uttered at the end of a date by someone who fancies you, it probably means a lot of things that they're far too shy to say. Some daters are brilliant at “reading” date-talk and its hidden meanings – but many of us don't realise that there's a whole subtext going on. Read on to find out what's really being said.


She says: “Let’s sit at that table.”
She means: Let’s sit over there because the light is far more flattering to my skin.

He says: “Let’s sit at that table.”
He means: Let’s sit over there, where fewer passers-by can see me trying to touch your thigh. So, what are the chances of you coming home with me tonight?

She says: “Can I buy you a drink?”
She means: Can you buy me a drink, please? Champagne cocktail would be fine.
He says: “Can I buy you a drink?”
He means: I am a big strong sexy man with the means to fund this evening and many more. I also need beer, because I’m as nervous as hell.

He says: “Haha that’s so girly, ordering a cocktail!”
He means: You think I’m being rude, but in fact I’m teasing you because I am a man and it’s the only way I know how to flirt. Will you have sex with me?
She says: “What do you fancy eating?”
She means: Do you fancy me?

He says: “What do you fancy eating?”
He means: I want pie.

She says: “I'm not sure what to order.”
She means: I want to have the salad but I'm scared that you'll think I'm boring and unsexy.

He says: “I'm not sure what to order.”
He means: I want pie.

He says (to the waitress): “Bring me your favourite thing on the menu.”
He means: I fancy the waitress, and I am not man enough to try to hide it.

He says: “So the leper said to the transvestite…”
He means: Oh no, I've started the jokes... please let someone drop a tray of plates so that I am no longer the biggest loser in the room.
She says: “I love New York. Let’s go there one day.”
She means: Oh no, I've started the 'couple talk'. Please let someone drop a tray of plates so that I am no longer the biggest loser in the room.

He says: “My mum would love you.”
He means: I’m a mummy’s boy and I think I love you.

She says: “My mum would love you.”
She means: I suspect that you fancy me, but I don't want to see you again, so it's time to mention my mother.

He says: “Waiter? Get me your manager, I’m reporting you.”
He means: Stay away from me. I am an angry, high-maintenance man and I will make your life a misery.

He says: “Do you fancy some coffee or dessert?”
He means: I really like you, so I don’t want to rush the evening. Plus, I’d like to spoon-feed you with tiramisu.

He says: “Let’s split the bill. I’d best be off home.”
He means: I don’t fancy you.

She says: “Let’s split the bill. I’d best be off home.”
She means: Don't even think about calling me.

He says: “Let’s split the bill. Do you want to come to a house party?”
He means: I fancy you, but I’ve got an overdraft that’s bigger than your dad’s garage.

He says: “No, let me get the bill.”
He means: I’ll feel like a big sexy man if I pay, so indulge me. But it had better be on you next time.

He says: “Don't even think about getting your purse out.”
He means: I am man, hear me roar. May I have sex with you now?

She says: “Oh, you want to split the bill? Sure!”
She means: You don't fancy me, do you? I've missed the Come Dine With Me omnibus for this.

He says: “Come onnn, it’s only midnight! Come clubbing! We’ve got all night!” (etc, ad nauseam)
He means: I’ve got no idea about the subtle rules of attraction.

He says: “Would you like a lift? I’ve got an Audi S5 outside.”
He means: Let’s have sex in my Audi. Within the hour, if at all possible.

Women, 10 habits that are keeping you single

Being single is great – but only if you want to be. It's not so much fun when you're fed up with dinner for one and can't understand why no-one wants to go out with you. What's keeping you unattached while everyone else gets loved up? Here are 10 habits that could be to blame.

1. First-move phobia

Being born male does not gift men with unassailable self-confidence. Men know that they’re supposed to do the running, and they hate it. If you want a date, go and chat him up. He’ll be too delighted to say anything other than “wow, yes!”

By the way, making eye contact with a guy is not the same as “making a move.” Eye contact, no matter how flirtatious you think it is, won't get you very far unless you accompany it with “hello.”

2. Playing hard to get

If you want a man to be interested in you, be interested in him. It works, because all human beings are egomaniacs at heart. Treating ‘em mean only makes ‘em go and find someone else.

You know when someone's trying to ask you out, so don't come over all coy in the misguided belief that it'll make you more alluring. If a handsome stranger asks, “are you all right for a drink?”, he is interested. Don’t just nod, blush, and run away expecting him to follow you. If you find him attractive, accept his offer and strike up a conversation.

When you've been on a date, don't be scared to pick up the phone. Whoever told you to wait for three days (or whatever random number of days) before returning a phone call is an idiot. No man wants a stalker, but letting him know you’re interested is the way to win his heart.

3. Romantic perfectionism

If you wait around for love at first sight, you may be waiting for a very long time. Lust at first sight happens all the time, but it ain’t love until you’ve shared a bathroom. Don’t wait around for that thunderbolt of first-glance love, because you’ll be waiting – and single – for a very long time indeed.

If you have a very narrow idea of your “ideal man”, you may never find someone who lives up to your fantasy. Here’s a revolutionary idea: try a man who’s completely different from your ideal. You may end up surprised – and a lot less single.

4. Appearance insecurity

Don't ruin your social life by cancelling plans every time you get a zit that no man will ever notice because he’s too busy looking at your breasts or (if he was brought up very well, your eyes). Avoid wearing too much make-up, too. The natural look is much more appealing to men than a trowelling of slap. Too much facepaint makes you look desperate, and that’s never a good look when you’re trying to impress.

Similarly, don't let your waistline fixation spoil a romantic meal. A tasty dessert shared with your date could seal the deal on your evening, and it’s unlikely to make a difference to your weight unless you have a date every night this week.

5. Bad man-choices

Fear of being single often drives you to accept dates – and more dates – with men you don’t really fancy. Trouble is, while you’re wasting precious time with Mr OK-I-Suppose, you could be out finding Mr Right.

Or do you head straight past Mr OK-I-Suppose and hand your precious breakable heart to Mr Toxic? He comes in many guises: the serial online dating addict who never takes his profile down; the self-esteem leech who can’t stop criticising; the rebounder who uses you as a cushion after his break-up… they grab women's hearts, take them on a romantic rollercoaster ride for a few weeks, then smash those hearts to pieces. One minute you're dizzy with lust, the next you're devastated. And very, very single.

6. Low tiff tolerance

Do you run away from a relationship as soon as the going gets slightly shouty? While we'd never advocate hanging onto an unhappy relationship, do remember that no relationship can be perfectly happy all the time. Boyfriends are not perfect, relationships are not perfect, and the road to happiness is strewn with ups and downs.

7. Ex-talk

No really, do not mention your ex on a date. Perhaps you were with him for years and he plays a walk-on part in all your anecdotes, but you must break the ex-namecheck habit if you’re to impress a potential lover. Even a passing mention of your previous man suggests that you haven’t moved on.

8. Sofa-hugging

The guy you're hoping to meet doesn't live under your sideboard, so if you want a relationship you're going to have to get out and start meeting people. Maybe you're constantly tired or ridiculously busy at work, but if you want a relationship, you need to make time for a social life.

9. Desperation

Men can smell your desperation from half a mile away. If you feel the need to ring him up on your way home from your first date, it had better be to answer his missed call.

10. Relationship resistance

Are you happy, fulfilled and busy with your work, home and friends? Do you find that the occasional fling satisfies your need for lust and male attention? Congratulations, you have a great life – now stop reading articles about why you're still single! Not everyone is cut out to be one half of a couple, and a relationship is not a compulsory element of a happy life. If you keep dipping a toe into dating but never quite feel comfortable with it, perhaps you're better off single after all.

Are you too sexy for your date?

So you reckon it's impossible to be too rich, too thin or too sexy? Wrong, on all counts. Being too rich makes you uncool, being too thin makes you ugly, and being too sexy could do your love life more harm than good.

For example if you're dating someone who ranks below you on the sexiness scale, watch them go mad with insecurity – and watch your relationship go belly-up. Or maybe you give off such overtly sexy signals that you terrify everyone within winking distance?

1. How do you tell whether someone likes you or not?

a. Whether or not they can form entire sentences without choking on drool.
b. You've got pretty good at spotting the signs – leaning towards you, a touch on the arm and all that.
c. Whether or not they stay for breakfast.
d. You can never tell. Even when you're going out with them.

2. How long does it take you to get ready for a first date?

a. Hardly any time – you're pretty low-maintenance.
b. 10 minutes on a good day, or a lot longer on a bad hair or skin day.
c. An hour or two. By the time you're finished in that bathroom, you're hot enough to singe on contact.
d. You try not to take too long, so that you don't have time to decide not to turn up.

3. Which of these first-date habits are you most prone to?

a. Enjoying yourself. According to your, this means that you're “leading people on.”
b. Getting so into the conversation that you miss the last bus home.
c. Forgetting their name during sex.
d. Clamming up completely.

4. You turn up to meet a date, and they tell you you look gorgeous. You say...

a. Nothing – you just smile. It's water off a duck's back.
b. “Thank you.”
c. “You don't look so bad yourself.”
d. Nothing – you just blush wildly and try not to snigger.

5. You've had a fantastic first date. How do you ensure that you see them again?

a. Ring to ask them out, and spend 10 minutes trying to persuade them that you're serious.
b. Say “I'd love to see you again,” and let them make the next move.
c. Take them home and tie them to your bedposts.
d. Spend a whole week avoiding cracks in the pavement.

6. At a party you notice that you're wearing exactly the same outfit as someone else. You...

a. Try not to look superior about the fact that you look 20 times better.
b. Have a laugh with your outfit-twin, then enjoy the rest of the party.
c. Make a few nips and tucks to give your outfit a sexy edge.
d. Run away and hope that no-one noticed you.

7. People often assume – unfairly – that you are...
a. Not interested in them.
b. Attached.
c. Having sex with everyone you meet.
d. A party pooper.

8. What do you receive most compliments about?

a. Your looks.
b. Your dry wit.
c. Your body.
d. Don't be silly.

9. What do you receive most criticism about?

a. The fact that you “don't need to make an effort,” apparently.
b. Your terrible memory.
c. Willingness to make lots of friends of the opposite sex.
d. Your lack of confidence.

10. What do you think is your sexiest physical feature?

a. Well, you hate your feet...
b. It changes according to your mood.
c. Your naked torso.
d. None of it. OK, you like your toes.


What your answers mean…

Mostly A: You're terrifyingly sexy

You have an effortless sexiness that makes you lusted after and envied in equal measure. (Naturally gorgeous people always say “I hate my feet”.) So why isn't your social life steaming hot? Probably because people assume that you're out of their league. The solution is simple: be proactive, and  show people that you want to be with them. Your charisma will get you everywhere, but only if you add a little reassurance.

Mostly B: You've got it just right

You're sexy, but not intimidatingly so... and you like yourself just the way you are. You've certainly got charisma, but not so much that you're always the centre of attention, whether you want to be or not. You have bad hair days and general all-round blugh days, but you can also turn it on when you really want to.

Mostly C: You're too overtly sexual

It's not quite accurate to say that you're terrifyingly sexy – but you're certainly terrifying. You embrace your sexuality with open arms (and open... yes, OK) and that's refreshing in many ways, but it can make you seem sex-obsessed and shallow. You can be fun in small doses, particularly when you’re in like-minded company, but your attention-grabbing physicality won’t win you many second dates. With true sexiness, less is more.

Mostly D: Your sexiness is killed by lack of confidence

It's shyness, not sexiness, that's damaging your dating prospects. Perhaps you grew up being told that modesty would get you everywhere, but as an adult you're learning that that's not the case. Self-confidence is the essence of sexiness and the bedrock of likeability. Be yourself, but love the person you are.

stupidest dating tips

 1. “It’s important to play hard to get”


Who said it: Paris Hilton. “A guy will want you much more if he can’t have you,” explained our favourite pooch-toting LA heir-head, who’s obviously got The Rules on one of her coffee tables.

Why it’s rubbish: Real men (perhaps not the ones that Paris meets) need their egos stroked on a daily basis, so they’re attracted to women who like them. Treating ‘em mean only makes ‘em go and find someone else.

2. “Wait two days before answering the call”

Who said it: Jennifer Aniston’s mates. Jen wisely calls it the “the worst advice I ever got.”

Why it’s rubbish: No man wants a stalker, but subtly letting him know you’re interested is the way to get a second date. We’re not sure why Jennifer’s friends think she needs help, ‘cause she pulled Brad Pitt, John Mayer, Vince Vaughan, Paul Sculfor and Gerard Butler all by herself.

3. “You can meet someone on the street and suddenly fall in love”

Who said it: Robert Pattinson, girly-faced believer in love at first sight.

Why it’s rubbish: Love is a stew of lust, friendship, trust, fascination, empathy and madness, and it takes time to develop. (We’re talking about romantic love, not love for your cat, or your Macbook Pro.) Lust at first sight happens all the time, but it ain’t love until you’ve shared a bathroom.

4. “Letting a man pay is a sign of respect”

Who said it: This is the “Manhattan rule” of dating. A newspaper outlined it thus: “You are a lady. Let him be the man.” Oh right, I’ll just get my Geisha outfit.

Why it’s rubbish: You can’t apply hard and fast rules to this, because it depends on so many factors. Who asked for the date, whether one of you had to travel, or one earns significantly more… all sorts. Many men do like to pay, especially if you’ve made an effort to dress up (call it the legwax tax), but it doesn’t mean he’s boss.

5. “Always have a second drink on a first date”

Who said it: Dating blog justkeepthechange.com reckons that if you turn up for a blind date and don’t fancy him, you should stay all evening anyway.

Why it’s rubbish: Life’s too short. When you’re on a blind date with a bloke whom you’d rather carry up Ben Nevis than have sex with, there’s no point in hanging around for more than one drink. You’re wasting your time and his, and you’re leading him on.

6. “Sing together on a date”

Who said it: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in his book, Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments. Apparently it’s a mood-boosty bonding thing.

Why it’s rubbish: If Katie n’ Pete have taught us anything, it’s that tuneless duets kill relationships. Duets should be between people who are related (the Carpenters, the Cheeky Girls, you and your dad drunk at a wedding), gay (Elton John and anyone), or in a karaoke booth in Tokyo.

7. “Sex is more special if you wait until you’re married”


Who said it: Mariah Carey, who waited a whole month after her first date with Nick Cannon before marrying him.

Why it’s rubbish: There’s some sense in waiting until you’re sure that you like him and he likes you. But if he’s only after a shag, it won’t make the blindest bit of difference if you do it on the first date or the fifth – he’ll still dump you afterwards. As for waiting until you’re married… that’s probably not the best time to find out that you’re wildly incompatible in the sack.

8. “Be together all the time”

Who said it: Katie Price, who said of Pete: “I love the fact that we’re together all the time.” A few weeks later, the divorce papers were in the post.

Why it’s rubbish: A clingy girlfriend is about as attractive as genital warts. While we’d never recommend playing hard to get (see above), a bit of independence goes a long way. Give him some space, or you’ll drive him insania.

9. “Be brutally honest with each other”  

Who said it: Gwyneth Paltrow, who writes a weekly relationships email to readers of her blog, GOOP.

Why it’s rubbish: Too much information can be infinitely more damaging than little while lies. Never be dishonest about infidelities or money, but don’t be “brutally honest” about your crush on the barman, or your ex’s supersized schlong, or the crapness of your bloke’s band.

10. “Put ice in your mouth when you go down on him.”  

Who said it: Cosmo, and a hundred other sex advice columns.

Why it’s rubbish: Look, he’s just happy that you’re going down on him. If you’re in a long-term relationship, mix things up occasionally to keep it fresh. But please do not put ice on his cock. You know how things shrink when they get cold…?

11. “Marry a man who loves you more than you love him.”

Who said it: “My friend’s mum told her this, so that he won’t stray,” says message board member tj-mac.

Why it’s rubbish: “My friend’s mum” must’ve hated her poor daughter. Either that, or she’d had an emotional intelligence bypass. Marriage to a bloke you’re not in love with is a depressing waste of your life. Many women have done it, and many women wish they hadn’t. Don’t go there.

12. “Be a whore in the bedroom and a maid in the kitchen.”

Who said it: Jerry Hall, ex-wife of Mick Jagger and mum to Lizzie. Note the “ex” part.

Why it’s rubbish: Real men are attracted to women who are themselves. Have confidence in the things you’re good at, whether that’s cooking or riding a BMX. And don’t surrender to your man’s every whim, or you’re headed for unhappiness in life and love.

13. “Tackle drunk bitches!”
Who said it: Jay out of The 40-Year-Old Virgin

Why it’s rubbish: Drunk men may be more likely to fancy you, but their willies don’t work. Next thing you know, they’re in your loo at 4am, drunk-texting their ex girlfriend and trailing vomit across your floor.