Why Relationships with Narcissists are Difficult and Dangerous

Is your partner a narcissist? What should you do if you are involved with one?

If you are in a relationship and feel that your partner is always holding power over you, you may be in one with a narcissist, and it may be not only difficult but also dangerous. Who are narcissists? What are the differences between healthy narcissism and unhealthy one? Why are relationships with narcissists difficult – and maybe, dangerous? What should you do if you are involved with a narcissist? I will explain each in brief below. Please refer to the sources at the bottom of this article for more information.

Who Are Healthy Narcissists and Unhealthy Narcissists?

Narcissism focuses on one’s self, so anybody who is interested in getting his or her needs met can be a narcissist, but there are healthy narcissists and unhealthy narcissists. How is each defined? In summary, healthy narcissism and unhealthy narcissism are:

What healthy narcissism is:

• ‘Self-caring (we care for our healthy wants and needs in our own way and in our own time)’
• It doesn’t hurt others.
• It requires healthy boundaries.
• It helps get what we want and need without invading others’ boundaries.

What unhealthy narcissism is:

• It is focusing on self to the detriment of others.
• It makes the person act ‘selfishly’
• It makes the person frequently invade others.’ boundaries.

Whitfield states “Unless they work long and hard through an appropriate full recovery program, it is highly unlikely that they will change and become healthily self-caring. And so, it is difficult, if not impossible, ever to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with them.”

Why Relationships with Narcissists Are Difficult and Dangerous

Psychology expert Cooper Lawrence says, "It's really hard to be in a relationship with a narcissist. You have to have no sense of self whatsoever. And usually that's what narcissists prey on - people who will worship them the way they want to be worshiped.”

Their constant thirst for external approval drives them to look out to be No. 11. They seek to be the center of attention

• Approval and praise reinforces their grandiosity
• They dominate the conversation
• They are ‘on-stage’
• They exaggerate their significance

And so,

2. They lack empathy for others

• They are focused exclusively on themselves

3. Criticism or disapproval takes them back to their difficult childhood, sending them into a defensive fury

• Unhealthy narcissism is a manifestation of the deprivation they experienced as young children. They are likely to have been deprived of approval and affirmation in their childhood. They will need a long healing process to ‘move on’ from their childhood and become a healthy narcissist.

4. Appearance matters more than substance

• Power, wealth and beauty reinforce their fragmented self-image.
• Being superior to others takes priority

In order to be in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to put yourself aside and last, denying your own needs to meet his or hers. This damages your self-image and self-esteem, which is why it is difficult and dangerous.

Finding a Safe Dating Personals Site

Wherever you go lately on the Internet, you'll probably run into a dating personals site advertising free access. With the recent explosion in free dating sites, it's definitely hard to keep up.

What the people who sign up for these dating personals services are getting, essentially, is a way to have complete strangers contact them. But what most singles don't realize is that dating personals sites don't screen their 'free' membership - they offer a trial to anyone who decides to stop in. Users could be sexual predators, convicted criminals, or dating scam artists just waiting to meet the right person to be taken advantage of.

Here are some points to consider when signing up at a dating personals site, so that you don't get burned by someone with less-than-reputable intentions.

Privacy Policy Posted?

Does the dating personals site you are browsing at have a privacy policy? Usually you'll find a link towards the bottom of the page. Does the dating personals company protect your information? Do they sell your email address to "like-minded companies"? Also take a peek at the dating personals terms of use page, if they have one. Are users screened in any way?

Some dating personals sites now check singles' names against legal documents to see if they are married, incarcerated or have a criminal record. True is the most notable and largest of this safety-conscious group. They've gone so far as suing convicted sex offenders for attempting to sign up at their dating personals site.

Copyright is Current?

A simple way to check the age and veracity of any dating personals website is to look for the copyright date. If it's older than the current year, you may want to look elsewhere.

Layout Looks Lovely?

Browse around the dating personals site as much as you can without actually signing up. Is the site clean, easy to navigate and clear of any annoying pop-ups, advertisements or missing graphics? A poorly developed dating personals site usually means poorly managed information - something that you can't afford to risk. Surf elsewhere if this is the case.

There are some exceptions to this rule, mostly totally free dating personals sites looking to create an income from Google ads, like OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. You'll have to use your judgment in these kinds of situations, or look at the other safety tips to assist in the decision making process.

Search for Some Sample Singles

Review the people that fit your dating criteria; are the dating personals profiles well-written, or do they seem nonsensical? Are all of the users model-like, or are there real looking people in the smorgasbord?

Chances are, if it's a newer dating personals site with few members, they've padded the user base with fake people just to get the ball rolling. Alternatively, if you find a lot of profiles in the dating personals site that just smack of ridiculousness, it shows that the management team doesn't review their users at all. Find another, more reputable site if this happens to you.

Looking for love on the internet

In Europe, over 35 million people surf the internet looking for a date, which could well represent one in four singles. But how can the success of internet dating be explained?

First of all, there is definitely a crisis when it comes to meeting someone: we have increasingly less time and less opportunity, which makes it difficult to find a soul mate nowadays.

But who are these people looking for love on the web? What are they looking for? Are the rules of seduction different online? Doctissimo explores this popular way of finding a soul mate.  

Loving those internet dating sites

The web presents an undeniable advantage in that it allows you to connect with someone any time of the day, and you can meet 10 or 100 times more people in this way than at a cafe or at a local pub or dance club. But the main advantage is definitely the possibility of getting to know someone before you actually meet them.

The natural order of things is reversed: you decide to meet someone in the flesh once you think you might actually have some chemistry, instead of approaching someone first and then discovering if you have anything in common... And as the sociologist Pascal Lardellier, underlines: “Putting out feelers online means taking less emotional risk.”

The world’s top dating web site Match.com, sought to evaluate the profiles of online singles and the results allowed them to identify a few common trends.

First, 80% were looking for a stable, long-lasting relationship, with very few admitting to looking for a one-night stand. Users were more likely to be urban city-dwellers but this is now doubt also due to the better broadband coverage in these areas.

60% were men and 40% women. 55% were 30 years old and more than 74% had no children. It should also be noted that these figures are for Match.com only, and on the group's Meetic dating site, users are generally on the younger side. In all cases, in the same way as meeting people in the physical world, singles on the web choose a dating site according to what they are looking for...

New approaches in looking for love

In 2005, a large European study, led by a British Institute called “The Future Lab” for Match.com, attempted to evaluate these new patterns of behaviour in love and new trends in dating. According to the results, there are different emerging patterns in the internet dating domain, just like in “real life”:

• Neo-romantics: Yes, there is a return to romanticism! Perhaps as a rejection to the mainstream overkill of quickie sexual encounters with no tomorrow, love and emotion are now coming back into fashion. Valentine’s Day has made a real come-back, and eight out of ten people believe in love at first sight. And if you ask the crowds of singles on the web you’ll see that they pretty well all believe that falling in love virtually over the internet is possible.

• Alter-egos: Contrary to the old saying, opposites attract, most people tend to look for someone who is like them, a reflection in the mirror, an alter-ego. Moreover, on the web, one of the first questions will be “what is the last book you read” or “what was the last film you saw?” This is because, as Pascal Lardellier points out, “In order to love each other, you need to share the same origins... and the same horizons”. The prince marrying the pauper usually only exists in fairy tales!

• Planning and strategy: Some people need everything just right, and fast, including love! They will organise relationships down to the last detail because they don’t have any time to lose. In other words, they use a strategy or plan of action in order to meet a lasting soul mate. It is quite similar to the theory behind speed-dating: plan the meeting, and if the spark is missing, move right on to the next one! These internet dates want to get maximum value for money from the dating sites they are subscribed to. “This serial dating, and relationship hopping is connected to how our times are evolving, and our increasing individualism,” underlines Pascal Lardellier. A sort of consumer attitude to dates and relationships.

• Myriad divorcees: There are many singles in their 50s who are products of a higher rate of divorce, and who’ve to “rebuild” their lives. They want, in some way, to get back the time they think they’ve lost, often after long years of married life. “Off the market” for a long time, they have forgotten how to date or the first moves to make (it’s not like riding a bike, you can actually forget!). Dating sites are an attractive and less confronting way getting back into the water!

• Rise of the singles: Some singles, especially women, do not actually want to get involved in a stable relationship. They may prefer to keep a network of friends and different relationships, rather than tie themselves down to one person long-term. Moreover, this seems to be becoming a trend: 37% of single men and women say they have sexual relations with someone every week, but are not looking to marry or live together.

Internet mirrors real life

And how does this all happen on the net? It’s true that meetings online allow people to get past shyness and other social phobias, in order to talk more freely. However, overall there is a strong similarity between this and real life.

You’ll come across daters who will “jump on anything that moves”, or reserved types who only open up to the most perseverant online daters, etc. The internet can, accelerate the process of dating: you get started very quickly, get to the nitty-gritty fast and say straight away if things aren’t working out. Contrary to popular belief, people do not lie as much as you would think. Fantasists are very quickly unmasked...

So how effective is this kind of dating overall? Match.com says that the results are good. In a recent survey, around 1800 people out of 20,700 surveyed, who had used a dating site over the last 5 years claimed to be married. Match.com claim to receive hundreds of messages each month from people who have found a soul mate thanks to the dating site. And who amongst us doesn’t know a couple who got together through an internet dating site.

A few years ago, people were embarrassed to say that they met through an internet site, but not anymore. Internet dating is now completely mainstream for people of all ages and cultures.

Out-dated dating advice

Forget Grandma’s wisdom – the modern dating scene has evolved and some of the most classic Dating Advice is now obsolete. Match.com’s relationship expert Kate Taylor brings you up to speed 

Wait 3 days to callIn the olden days, boy met girl, boy got girl’s phone number, boy waited three days to ring girl, boy looked mysterious and exotic. But those days have gone. In modern times when all of us carry around smart phones that can call, text, email, social-network, and IM, let alone challenge anyone to a game of online Scrabble at any time, waiting three days to get in touch just makes boy look like he ran out of call credit or like he’s trying too hard to be “cool”. Really, just get in touch the next day. Within 24 hours. If you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard then don’t try too hard – just pick up the phone and say something simple like, “I really enjoyed meeting you and I’d love to go out sometime soon. Fancy it?” Don’t agonise over being funny or clever – the more run-of-the-mill you are in early communications, the more confident and experienced you’ll seem, because it’ll look like you ask people out all the time. And that, believe it or not, is sexy.

Wait 3 dates to get intimate
Fifty years ago, the Pill had only just been invented and it was still the norm for women to wait until at least engagement before they got horizontal with their boyfriend. Time has marched on and these days, some women feel they’re being uncommonly chaste if they wait just until they leave the pub. The three-date rule was therefore invented to bridge the gap – couples were advised to go to bed together on the third date, and not a moment sooner. Good advice? No. While there are indisputably huge benefits to waiting before going to bed with a partner – you both get to know each other’s true personality and character before you take that next step; you don’t risk becoming chemically attached to each other, because you’re not producing Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, that gets released during intercourse; dating without sex keeps things very light and fun – three dates simply isn’t long enough to get to know a person beyond what they like to order for dessert. If you want to wait, better to wait three months. If you don’t want to wait, then still don’t stick to an arbitrary three-date curfew, as it removes all the mystery and excitement – better to ambush them at some unexpected time.
Whether you wait or don’t, it’s how you act afterwards that will dictate how the relationship progresses. If you act the same afterwards, there’s a good chance you’ll stay together. But if you become clingy, needy or moody, things will stall or stop. If you know you become emotionally invested afterwards (and many people do, it’s normal and natural!), then wait.

Make your partner jealous
If your partner seems less attentive towards you, less interested, and is taking you for granted, you should make them jealous, right? Wrong! Just pull back and concentrate on YOUR LIFE for a while. Anything else will look desperate and needy. For example, if you take your partner to a party and spend the evening chatting-up somebody else, your partner will feel insulted and offended, not attracted. It’ll look obvious and fake. Instead, take your partner to a party and talk to everyone else – be the life and soul, flit around, have fun. Don’t concentrate on your moody mate, throw yourself into enjoying the evening. Or go to the party with your friends and don’t invite them, wait for them to invite you out somewhere and fit it in along with all the other fun, interesting activities you have planned. That is what attracts people: self-assured, well-rounded people who pursue their own interests, ambitions and goals. If you fear your partner is losing interest in you, lose interest in them for a while and fill up your time with things you love to do. Your partner will either feel the loss of your company and come around again, or they’ll fade away and you’ll be upset but you’ll still have a successful, interesting life to support you.

Girls, play down your accomplishments
It used to be said that women should never try to impress a man with their accomplishments – her “job” was to seem impressed by him. Luckily, this isn’t true today. Recent research by Forbes in the US has shown that men are now more likely than ever before to want a wife with drive and ambition. A long-running study that follows the traits which single Americans want in a spouse revealed earlier this year that “Ambition and industriousness” has risen to enter the top 10 for the first time ever. It’s still only at number 10 but we can be sure it will continue to rise as more and more males see the benefits of having a clever, successful wife who can share the financial burden of supporting a home and family. So girls, don’t be afraid to shine on your date! If you just got a promotion, tell him about it. If there’s a long-term goal you long to achieve, reveal all. Your perfect partner will be one who is keen to help you reach for your personal stars.

Men, use money to impress a girl
Fellas, if you’ve ever thought that the only way to dazzle the ladies was to flash around some cash, read on – your bank-manager will thank you, as will your partner. For years it’s been generally regarded that women are most attracted to men who can afford to shower them with expensive gifts, jewellery and dinners. But the Lovegeist report – the UK’s biggest annual survey into singletons’ attitudes towards love – has consistently found that “thoughtful gestures” mean far more to women than “extravagant gestures”. Budget-conscious babes would rather their partner regularly performed sweet, meaningful actions (like getting rid of spiders, remembering to do household jobs she hates, making thoughtful presents, even just really listening to what she says) than buying occasional expensive presents. It’s just one of the ways that Beta males can out-perform Alphas in the romantic world. Women seek partners who will be good providers, but also who are dependable, safe and reliable. Remembering her favourite flowers is perfect – it will earn you far more love than the largest bunch of something she doesn’t like. 

Dinner date translations

What does “do you want a coffee?” really mean? If it's uttered at the end of a date by someone who fancies you, it probably means a lot of things that they're far too shy to say. Some daters are brilliant at “reading” date-talk and its hidden meanings – but many of us don't realise that there's a whole subtext going on. Read on to find out what's really being said.


She says: “Let’s sit at that table.”
She means: Let’s sit over there because the light is far more flattering to my skin.

He says: “Let’s sit at that table.”
He means: Let’s sit over there, where fewer passers-by can see me trying to touch your thigh. So, what are the chances of you coming home with me tonight?

She says: “Can I buy you a drink?”
She means: Can you buy me a drink, please? Champagne cocktail would be fine.
He says: “Can I buy you a drink?”
He means: I am a big strong sexy man with the means to fund this evening and many more. I also need beer, because I’m as nervous as hell.

He says: “Haha that’s so girly, ordering a cocktail!”
He means: You think I’m being rude, but in fact I’m teasing you because I am a man and it’s the only way I know how to flirt. Will you have sex with me?
She says: “What do you fancy eating?”
She means: Do you fancy me?

He says: “What do you fancy eating?”
He means: I want pie.

She says: “I'm not sure what to order.”
She means: I want to have the salad but I'm scared that you'll think I'm boring and unsexy.

He says: “I'm not sure what to order.”
He means: I want pie.

He says (to the waitress): “Bring me your favourite thing on the menu.”
He means: I fancy the waitress, and I am not man enough to try to hide it.

He says: “So the leper said to the transvestite…”
He means: Oh no, I've started the jokes... please let someone drop a tray of plates so that I am no longer the biggest loser in the room.
She says: “I love New York. Let’s go there one day.”
She means: Oh no, I've started the 'couple talk'. Please let someone drop a tray of plates so that I am no longer the biggest loser in the room.

He says: “My mum would love you.”
He means: I’m a mummy’s boy and I think I love you.

She says: “My mum would love you.”
She means: I suspect that you fancy me, but I don't want to see you again, so it's time to mention my mother.

He says: “Waiter? Get me your manager, I’m reporting you.”
He means: Stay away from me. I am an angry, high-maintenance man and I will make your life a misery.

He says: “Do you fancy some coffee or dessert?”
He means: I really like you, so I don’t want to rush the evening. Plus, I’d like to spoon-feed you with tiramisu.

He says: “Let’s split the bill. I’d best be off home.”
He means: I don’t fancy you.

She says: “Let’s split the bill. I’d best be off home.”
She means: Don't even think about calling me.

He says: “Let’s split the bill. Do you want to come to a house party?”
He means: I fancy you, but I’ve got an overdraft that’s bigger than your dad’s garage.

He says: “No, let me get the bill.”
He means: I’ll feel like a big sexy man if I pay, so indulge me. But it had better be on you next time.

He says: “Don't even think about getting your purse out.”
He means: I am man, hear me roar. May I have sex with you now?

She says: “Oh, you want to split the bill? Sure!”
She means: You don't fancy me, do you? I've missed the Come Dine With Me omnibus for this.

He says: “Come onnn, it’s only midnight! Come clubbing! We’ve got all night!” (etc, ad nauseam)
He means: I’ve got no idea about the subtle rules of attraction.

He says: “Would you like a lift? I’ve got an Audi S5 outside.”
He means: Let’s have sex in my Audi. Within the hour, if at all possible.

Women, 10 habits that are keeping you single

Being single is great – but only if you want to be. It's not so much fun when you're fed up with dinner for one and can't understand why no-one wants to go out with you. What's keeping you unattached while everyone else gets loved up? Here are 10 habits that could be to blame.

1. First-move phobia

Being born male does not gift men with unassailable self-confidence. Men know that they’re supposed to do the running, and they hate it. If you want a date, go and chat him up. He’ll be too delighted to say anything other than “wow, yes!”

By the way, making eye contact with a guy is not the same as “making a move.” Eye contact, no matter how flirtatious you think it is, won't get you very far unless you accompany it with “hello.”

2. Playing hard to get

If you want a man to be interested in you, be interested in him. It works, because all human beings are egomaniacs at heart. Treating ‘em mean only makes ‘em go and find someone else.

You know when someone's trying to ask you out, so don't come over all coy in the misguided belief that it'll make you more alluring. If a handsome stranger asks, “are you all right for a drink?”, he is interested. Don’t just nod, blush, and run away expecting him to follow you. If you find him attractive, accept his offer and strike up a conversation.

When you've been on a date, don't be scared to pick up the phone. Whoever told you to wait for three days (or whatever random number of days) before returning a phone call is an idiot. No man wants a stalker, but letting him know you’re interested is the way to win his heart.

3. Romantic perfectionism

If you wait around for love at first sight, you may be waiting for a very long time. Lust at first sight happens all the time, but it ain’t love until you’ve shared a bathroom. Don’t wait around for that thunderbolt of first-glance love, because you’ll be waiting – and single – for a very long time indeed.

If you have a very narrow idea of your “ideal man”, you may never find someone who lives up to your fantasy. Here’s a revolutionary idea: try a man who’s completely different from your ideal. You may end up surprised – and a lot less single.

4. Appearance insecurity

Don't ruin your social life by cancelling plans every time you get a zit that no man will ever notice because he’s too busy looking at your breasts or (if he was brought up very well, your eyes). Avoid wearing too much make-up, too. The natural look is much more appealing to men than a trowelling of slap. Too much facepaint makes you look desperate, and that’s never a good look when you’re trying to impress.

Similarly, don't let your waistline fixation spoil a romantic meal. A tasty dessert shared with your date could seal the deal on your evening, and it’s unlikely to make a difference to your weight unless you have a date every night this week.

5. Bad man-choices

Fear of being single often drives you to accept dates – and more dates – with men you don’t really fancy. Trouble is, while you’re wasting precious time with Mr OK-I-Suppose, you could be out finding Mr Right.

Or do you head straight past Mr OK-I-Suppose and hand your precious breakable heart to Mr Toxic? He comes in many guises: the serial online dating addict who never takes his profile down; the self-esteem leech who can’t stop criticising; the rebounder who uses you as a cushion after his break-up… they grab women's hearts, take them on a romantic rollercoaster ride for a few weeks, then smash those hearts to pieces. One minute you're dizzy with lust, the next you're devastated. And very, very single.

6. Low tiff tolerance

Do you run away from a relationship as soon as the going gets slightly shouty? While we'd never advocate hanging onto an unhappy relationship, do remember that no relationship can be perfectly happy all the time. Boyfriends are not perfect, relationships are not perfect, and the road to happiness is strewn with ups and downs.

7. Ex-talk

No really, do not mention your ex on a date. Perhaps you were with him for years and he plays a walk-on part in all your anecdotes, but you must break the ex-namecheck habit if you’re to impress a potential lover. Even a passing mention of your previous man suggests that you haven’t moved on.

8. Sofa-hugging

The guy you're hoping to meet doesn't live under your sideboard, so if you want a relationship you're going to have to get out and start meeting people. Maybe you're constantly tired or ridiculously busy at work, but if you want a relationship, you need to make time for a social life.

9. Desperation

Men can smell your desperation from half a mile away. If you feel the need to ring him up on your way home from your first date, it had better be to answer his missed call.

10. Relationship resistance

Are you happy, fulfilled and busy with your work, home and friends? Do you find that the occasional fling satisfies your need for lust and male attention? Congratulations, you have a great life – now stop reading articles about why you're still single! Not everyone is cut out to be one half of a couple, and a relationship is not a compulsory element of a happy life. If you keep dipping a toe into dating but never quite feel comfortable with it, perhaps you're better off single after all.

Are you too sexy for your date?

So you reckon it's impossible to be too rich, too thin or too sexy? Wrong, on all counts. Being too rich makes you uncool, being too thin makes you ugly, and being too sexy could do your love life more harm than good.

For example if you're dating someone who ranks below you on the sexiness scale, watch them go mad with insecurity – and watch your relationship go belly-up. Or maybe you give off such overtly sexy signals that you terrify everyone within winking distance?

1. How do you tell whether someone likes you or not?

a. Whether or not they can form entire sentences without choking on drool.
b. You've got pretty good at spotting the signs – leaning towards you, a touch on the arm and all that.
c. Whether or not they stay for breakfast.
d. You can never tell. Even when you're going out with them.

2. How long does it take you to get ready for a first date?

a. Hardly any time – you're pretty low-maintenance.
b. 10 minutes on a good day, or a lot longer on a bad hair or skin day.
c. An hour or two. By the time you're finished in that bathroom, you're hot enough to singe on contact.
d. You try not to take too long, so that you don't have time to decide not to turn up.

3. Which of these first-date habits are you most prone to?

a. Enjoying yourself. According to your, this means that you're “leading people on.”
b. Getting so into the conversation that you miss the last bus home.
c. Forgetting their name during sex.
d. Clamming up completely.

4. You turn up to meet a date, and they tell you you look gorgeous. You say...

a. Nothing – you just smile. It's water off a duck's back.
b. “Thank you.”
c. “You don't look so bad yourself.”
d. Nothing – you just blush wildly and try not to snigger.

5. You've had a fantastic first date. How do you ensure that you see them again?

a. Ring to ask them out, and spend 10 minutes trying to persuade them that you're serious.
b. Say “I'd love to see you again,” and let them make the next move.
c. Take them home and tie them to your bedposts.
d. Spend a whole week avoiding cracks in the pavement.

6. At a party you notice that you're wearing exactly the same outfit as someone else. You...

a. Try not to look superior about the fact that you look 20 times better.
b. Have a laugh with your outfit-twin, then enjoy the rest of the party.
c. Make a few nips and tucks to give your outfit a sexy edge.
d. Run away and hope that no-one noticed you.

7. People often assume – unfairly – that you are...
a. Not interested in them.
b. Attached.
c. Having sex with everyone you meet.
d. A party pooper.

8. What do you receive most compliments about?

a. Your looks.
b. Your dry wit.
c. Your body.
d. Don't be silly.

9. What do you receive most criticism about?

a. The fact that you “don't need to make an effort,” apparently.
b. Your terrible memory.
c. Willingness to make lots of friends of the opposite sex.
d. Your lack of confidence.

10. What do you think is your sexiest physical feature?

a. Well, you hate your feet...
b. It changes according to your mood.
c. Your naked torso.
d. None of it. OK, you like your toes.


What your answers mean…

Mostly A: You're terrifyingly sexy

You have an effortless sexiness that makes you lusted after and envied in equal measure. (Naturally gorgeous people always say “I hate my feet”.) So why isn't your social life steaming hot? Probably because people assume that you're out of their league. The solution is simple: be proactive, and  show people that you want to be with them. Your charisma will get you everywhere, but only if you add a little reassurance.

Mostly B: You've got it just right

You're sexy, but not intimidatingly so... and you like yourself just the way you are. You've certainly got charisma, but not so much that you're always the centre of attention, whether you want to be or not. You have bad hair days and general all-round blugh days, but you can also turn it on when you really want to.

Mostly C: You're too overtly sexual

It's not quite accurate to say that you're terrifyingly sexy – but you're certainly terrifying. You embrace your sexuality with open arms (and open... yes, OK) and that's refreshing in many ways, but it can make you seem sex-obsessed and shallow. You can be fun in small doses, particularly when you’re in like-minded company, but your attention-grabbing physicality won’t win you many second dates. With true sexiness, less is more.

Mostly D: Your sexiness is killed by lack of confidence

It's shyness, not sexiness, that's damaging your dating prospects. Perhaps you grew up being told that modesty would get you everywhere, but as an adult you're learning that that's not the case. Self-confidence is the essence of sexiness and the bedrock of likeability. Be yourself, but love the person you are.