Why Relationships with Narcissists are Difficult and Dangerous

Is your partner a narcissist? What should you do if you are involved with one?

If you are in a relationship and feel that your partner is always holding power over you, you may be in one with a narcissist, and it may be not only difficult but also dangerous. Who are narcissists? What are the differences between healthy narcissism and unhealthy one? Why are relationships with narcissists difficult – and maybe, dangerous? What should you do if you are involved with a narcissist? I will explain each in brief below. Please refer to the sources at the bottom of this article for more information.

Who Are Healthy Narcissists and Unhealthy Narcissists?

Narcissism focuses on one’s self, so anybody who is interested in getting his or her needs met can be a narcissist, but there are healthy narcissists and unhealthy narcissists. How is each defined? In summary, healthy narcissism and unhealthy narcissism are:

What healthy narcissism is:

• ‘Self-caring (we care for our healthy wants and needs in our own way and in our own time)’
• It doesn’t hurt others.
• It requires healthy boundaries.
• It helps get what we want and need without invading others’ boundaries.

What unhealthy narcissism is:

• It is focusing on self to the detriment of others.
• It makes the person act ‘selfishly’
• It makes the person frequently invade others.’ boundaries.

Whitfield states “Unless they work long and hard through an appropriate full recovery program, it is highly unlikely that they will change and become healthily self-caring. And so, it is difficult, if not impossible, ever to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with them.”

Why Relationships with Narcissists Are Difficult and Dangerous

Psychology expert Cooper Lawrence says, "It's really hard to be in a relationship with a narcissist. You have to have no sense of self whatsoever. And usually that's what narcissists prey on - people who will worship them the way they want to be worshiped.”

Their constant thirst for external approval drives them to look out to be No. 11. They seek to be the center of attention

• Approval and praise reinforces their grandiosity
• They dominate the conversation
• They are ‘on-stage’
• They exaggerate their significance

And so,

2. They lack empathy for others

• They are focused exclusively on themselves

3. Criticism or disapproval takes them back to their difficult childhood, sending them into a defensive fury

• Unhealthy narcissism is a manifestation of the deprivation they experienced as young children. They are likely to have been deprived of approval and affirmation in their childhood. They will need a long healing process to ‘move on’ from their childhood and become a healthy narcissist.

4. Appearance matters more than substance

• Power, wealth and beauty reinforce their fragmented self-image.
• Being superior to others takes priority

In order to be in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to put yourself aside and last, denying your own needs to meet his or hers. This damages your self-image and self-esteem, which is why it is difficult and dangerous.

Finding a Safe Dating Personals Site

Wherever you go lately on the Internet, you'll probably run into a dating personals site advertising free access. With the recent explosion in free dating sites, it's definitely hard to keep up.

What the people who sign up for these dating personals services are getting, essentially, is a way to have complete strangers contact them. But what most singles don't realize is that dating personals sites don't screen their 'free' membership - they offer a trial to anyone who decides to stop in. Users could be sexual predators, convicted criminals, or dating scam artists just waiting to meet the right person to be taken advantage of.

Here are some points to consider when signing up at a dating personals site, so that you don't get burned by someone with less-than-reputable intentions.

Privacy Policy Posted?

Does the dating personals site you are browsing at have a privacy policy? Usually you'll find a link towards the bottom of the page. Does the dating personals company protect your information? Do they sell your email address to "like-minded companies"? Also take a peek at the dating personals terms of use page, if they have one. Are users screened in any way?

Some dating personals sites now check singles' names against legal documents to see if they are married, incarcerated or have a criminal record. True is the most notable and largest of this safety-conscious group. They've gone so far as suing convicted sex offenders for attempting to sign up at their dating personals site.

Copyright is Current?

A simple way to check the age and veracity of any dating personals website is to look for the copyright date. If it's older than the current year, you may want to look elsewhere.

Layout Looks Lovely?

Browse around the dating personals site as much as you can without actually signing up. Is the site clean, easy to navigate and clear of any annoying pop-ups, advertisements or missing graphics? A poorly developed dating personals site usually means poorly managed information - something that you can't afford to risk. Surf elsewhere if this is the case.

There are some exceptions to this rule, mostly totally free dating personals sites looking to create an income from Google ads, like OkCupid and PlentyOfFish. You'll have to use your judgment in these kinds of situations, or look at the other safety tips to assist in the decision making process.

Search for Some Sample Singles

Review the people that fit your dating criteria; are the dating personals profiles well-written, or do they seem nonsensical? Are all of the users model-like, or are there real looking people in the smorgasbord?

Chances are, if it's a newer dating personals site with few members, they've padded the user base with fake people just to get the ball rolling. Alternatively, if you find a lot of profiles in the dating personals site that just smack of ridiculousness, it shows that the management team doesn't review their users at all. Find another, more reputable site if this happens to you.

Looking for love on the internet

In Europe, over 35 million people surf the internet looking for a date, which could well represent one in four singles. But how can the success of internet dating be explained?

First of all, there is definitely a crisis when it comes to meeting someone: we have increasingly less time and less opportunity, which makes it difficult to find a soul mate nowadays.

But who are these people looking for love on the web? What are they looking for? Are the rules of seduction different online? Doctissimo explores this popular way of finding a soul mate.  

Loving those internet dating sites

The web presents an undeniable advantage in that it allows you to connect with someone any time of the day, and you can meet 10 or 100 times more people in this way than at a cafe or at a local pub or dance club. But the main advantage is definitely the possibility of getting to know someone before you actually meet them.

The natural order of things is reversed: you decide to meet someone in the flesh once you think you might actually have some chemistry, instead of approaching someone first and then discovering if you have anything in common... And as the sociologist Pascal Lardellier, underlines: “Putting out feelers online means taking less emotional risk.”

The world’s top dating web site Match.com, sought to evaluate the profiles of online singles and the results allowed them to identify a few common trends.

First, 80% were looking for a stable, long-lasting relationship, with very few admitting to looking for a one-night stand. Users were more likely to be urban city-dwellers but this is now doubt also due to the better broadband coverage in these areas.

60% were men and 40% women. 55% were 30 years old and more than 74% had no children. It should also be noted that these figures are for Match.com only, and on the group's Meetic dating site, users are generally on the younger side. In all cases, in the same way as meeting people in the physical world, singles on the web choose a dating site according to what they are looking for...

New approaches in looking for love

In 2005, a large European study, led by a British Institute called “The Future Lab” for Match.com, attempted to evaluate these new patterns of behaviour in love and new trends in dating. According to the results, there are different emerging patterns in the internet dating domain, just like in “real life”:

• Neo-romantics: Yes, there is a return to romanticism! Perhaps as a rejection to the mainstream overkill of quickie sexual encounters with no tomorrow, love and emotion are now coming back into fashion. Valentine’s Day has made a real come-back, and eight out of ten people believe in love at first sight. And if you ask the crowds of singles on the web you’ll see that they pretty well all believe that falling in love virtually over the internet is possible.

• Alter-egos: Contrary to the old saying, opposites attract, most people tend to look for someone who is like them, a reflection in the mirror, an alter-ego. Moreover, on the web, one of the first questions will be “what is the last book you read” or “what was the last film you saw?” This is because, as Pascal Lardellier points out, “In order to love each other, you need to share the same origins... and the same horizons”. The prince marrying the pauper usually only exists in fairy tales!

• Planning and strategy: Some people need everything just right, and fast, including love! They will organise relationships down to the last detail because they don’t have any time to lose. In other words, they use a strategy or plan of action in order to meet a lasting soul mate. It is quite similar to the theory behind speed-dating: plan the meeting, and if the spark is missing, move right on to the next one! These internet dates want to get maximum value for money from the dating sites they are subscribed to. “This serial dating, and relationship hopping is connected to how our times are evolving, and our increasing individualism,” underlines Pascal Lardellier. A sort of consumer attitude to dates and relationships.

• Myriad divorcees: There are many singles in their 50s who are products of a higher rate of divorce, and who’ve to “rebuild” their lives. They want, in some way, to get back the time they think they’ve lost, often after long years of married life. “Off the market” for a long time, they have forgotten how to date or the first moves to make (it’s not like riding a bike, you can actually forget!). Dating sites are an attractive and less confronting way getting back into the water!

• Rise of the singles: Some singles, especially women, do not actually want to get involved in a stable relationship. They may prefer to keep a network of friends and different relationships, rather than tie themselves down to one person long-term. Moreover, this seems to be becoming a trend: 37% of single men and women say they have sexual relations with someone every week, but are not looking to marry or live together.

Internet mirrors real life

And how does this all happen on the net? It’s true that meetings online allow people to get past shyness and other social phobias, in order to talk more freely. However, overall there is a strong similarity between this and real life.

You’ll come across daters who will “jump on anything that moves”, or reserved types who only open up to the most perseverant online daters, etc. The internet can, accelerate the process of dating: you get started very quickly, get to the nitty-gritty fast and say straight away if things aren’t working out. Contrary to popular belief, people do not lie as much as you would think. Fantasists are very quickly unmasked...

So how effective is this kind of dating overall? Match.com says that the results are good. In a recent survey, around 1800 people out of 20,700 surveyed, who had used a dating site over the last 5 years claimed to be married. Match.com claim to receive hundreds of messages each month from people who have found a soul mate thanks to the dating site. And who amongst us doesn’t know a couple who got together through an internet dating site.

A few years ago, people were embarrassed to say that they met through an internet site, but not anymore. Internet dating is now completely mainstream for people of all ages and cultures.